In the beginning, it was not easy for me, because it was the first time out of Germany. It’s a new language, a new culture, a new club. I also feel like this personal part, that my partner had died, came back a little bit because I was dealing with all these new things without his support. I had some strategies in Dortmund to feel good, to handle it, and when I came here, it was difficult because the strategies were not possible anymore. I had to search for some new ways to feel good and to feel comfortable and secure, and to perform on the sports level of course.
One strategy, for example, is that I would go to the cemetery when I didn’t feel so good, to talk to him, calm down, think about things and settle myself. It could be not feeling good related to him or something totally unrelated — something I would have talked to him about. There are off days, where I don’t feel good because of him or because it’s the date we got together or other dates… Christmas is special, or his birthday. On these kinds of days, if it was possible, I would go to the cemetery. But also when I felt angry about something or angry with myself because I didn’t play so good or not as good as I expected. It was something like my secure place. Maybe not only because of his death, but also for me to think while feeling close to him, like, what would he say now? He’d say: “Calm down. You’re overreacting — it was only one game. Maybe try something else.”
When I moved to Metz, I had to find a good place for me to do that. One that is not so connected to him, but more for me, for myself, to find a new way to go forward.
I also needed to find some people who I can talk to because I left behind my friends, my family, and the people from the club, who feel like friends because I’ve known them so long. They’ve known me since I was 18 years old. The environment changed so I had to figure out who I can trust with these personal things and speak to when I have problems, or sometimes only to share my thoughts. Sometimes it helps simply to say something out loud so that you are not in your own bubble all the time.
I think I used the time really good, to figure out what I need to perform on the highest level and also outside. It was the right decision and I’m also thankful to play in a top international club.